STUCK.

Is there anyone that I can talk to? Have been feeling down recently. Many things happened and I feel that I dont have the free luxury to rest and really relax. From Michela's incident to work stress....

Even when i talk to him about it.. Becos of the many many restrictions and financial obligations caused by me many years ago, I can't go as and when i want.

BUT, i feel really stuck. Last Fri, Big Boss talked about being miserable at work. This word strucked me hard. Miserable? Yes, miserable is THE word to use. I go to work everyday, feeling miserable. At times trying to find excuses or reasons for myself that i shld just just quit... "I cant click with the boss." "I feel lousy working for her." "Oh, she is often so rude." "Different style of working." "Maybe she 'blacklist' me alrdy." ETC...................

But i cant go as and when i want... What would others say? How will Vic and Pst see me? What abt my MIL? My brother?

OR, maybe i shld just ignore how others see me and do what i want?

If i cont working, its not a prb to fulfil our financial obligations, but what shld i do?? Chances are i will not be able to get the same pay (at least) as what i am getting now... Or maybe i 'tong' for another 6 mths (to make it a yr) before i decide to stay or go? BUT, i am worried that i cant survive these 6 mths!

Cc said i am negative... Am i? Maybe i am...

But many times i really dunno what she wants. And becos of her pressing and D personality, i got intimidated and stressed up. I realised that if there is no stress on me, i tend to think better and as a result, perform.

However the situation now is different.. She is putting a lot of stress on me! Her tone, her way of working, her demands, her pace, her 'gan jiong-ness'... sigh...She made me feel really really LOUSY.

I feel really stuck.

God, we often say that we wanna shine for you in the marketplace... but i feel sooooooo lousy about myself. I finally know that my capability level is so LOW. God, pls, HELP me. Turn things ard to be in favour of me, i pray. Intervene and give me lotsa strength to go thru this meanwhile, In Jesus' name i pray.. Amen.

So, is there anyone that i can talk to?

World's Strongest Dad!

Teared each time i watched this...

The love of a father...WOW....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLUPiAs20i4

Enjoy!

I didnt realise that...

- i have been doing things that i didnt think i would do in the past.

- even when i go shopping nowadays, i would very often buy things for Michela more than myself.

- i would talk more on baby stuffs, baby development, etc than fashion and make up.

- even when frens still call me "Hot Mama", i am still a little auntie on the inside. Maybe outside is just a cover up!

- i would make sure Michela is fully covered up from head to toe so that she wont catch a cold in the middle of the nite, as well as nicely tug in her cot bed, before i end up in mine.

- i would miss Michela more than my LV and Chanel.

- i would tear whenever i see a breakthru in Michela's development (be it motor, visual, verbal, etc).

- even when there is only a minor scratch on Michela's hands or legs, my heart would feel the pain.

- i am stronger physically now. (all thanks to her wanting us to always carry her! haha...)

- i dont mind clearing her poo or letting her pee on my hands while cleaning her up, or even have her saliva all over my hands and clothes.

- i would want to rush home after work to spend time with Michela before she sleeps for the day.

- i actually had thoughts of giving up my dreams for my family, but not likely.


So,


I didnt realise that these are what a mother's love would be.


God, i thank You for giving me Baby Michela. She is truly beautifully created in Your image.

Sad-ded.

(My last post was..... early June. More than a mth since that update.)

Tdy was supposedly to be a pretty busy day for me at work. Just started a new job and am doing Learning & Development in ST Electronics. So far so good.

Thn came lunch, and some topics were brought up for lunctime discussion and also, "criticism".

The question came after i said grace.

"Which church are you from?"

Somehow, i have a feeling that comments are going to fly ard at the makan table after my answer.

"City Harvest"

True enuff, they just shoot. And they didnt really mentioned abt the recent happenings(news), but more of their feelings and experiences.

There and then i really had a taste of 一只竹打翻整艘船. As much as i can understand their feelings and where they come from, but i honestly feel that those comments made were unfair and obviously bias.

Of cos i defended, explain and tried to clarify those misunderstandingssss, but i also kinda stop towards the later part of the conversation. I rather prove and show to them slowly, than keep trying to defend, and defend and even argue. What's the point then? What will i be trying to prove?? It will just make things worst.

But not defending to every point, doesnt mean that i am scared. I am NOT. I just wanna be wise. Just like "Meekness is not weakness."

And so, i decided to just practise empathy listening.

Of cos we didnt end up turning tables and exchange blows. *phew* :)

But i am just sadded by the fact that human beings can just come to a conclusion this immaturely.

Just like how we 'bad-mouth' abt this restaurant and that service provider, etc after we had a bad encounter with them. Its the same...

Someone said this before "Do not trust all newspapers. They only present very minimal % of truth and facts inside. BUT City News is different ah!" We just laughed! But i think this is true! City News gives whats TRUE, but not the rest of the newspapers.

What you read may NOT be the truth, people.

Wise up.

Baby BOY?

I brought Michela down to buy some drinks and something interesting happen:

Auntie : You finally bring your baby boy down le. Never get to see him until now. So cute...

Me : Thanks! Err, by the way, its a girl. :)

Auntie : Oh isit? But look like boy...

Me : Isit? But its a girl...

Auntie : hahaha, ok... but this angle look like boy.

Me : Its a GIRL. :I

........................................................


Look like BOY meh? But she's a girl!

" Yea, auntie, I am a GIRL leh!"

hahaha...

Asia Conference 2010

2010 is the 2nd Asia Conference (AC) that CHC organises. From glory to glory, so of cos this years' was full of good visual and audio effects, but more importantly, SPIRITUAL atmosphere!

Unfortunately, i was down with gastric flu by noon of 1st day... what a spoilsport..... :( was having fever on Wed and Thurs. Slept thruout for these 2 days acty...

However i am happy that i finally can make it on Friday evening session! Yippie!


After zzz for 2 full days, i am finally well-enuff to hit Expo for the 3rd night! :)


3rd night was a YOUTH night! Pst Kong talked abt how the youth Christians are decreasing and that many of the great man of God started their ministry in their youths! Even though i am no longer a youth... (sadz man...) i could feel that excitement in the atmosphere that night! I almost wanted to just become a youth again! hahaha...

Q-ing up in Hall 10 so that we can get into Hall 8.. Nothing to do, so took a snap.

There we were, IN Hall 8! MK was happy...

Sunday was the next highlight too, the last shall be the first and good things are reserved for the last, so Sunday was the last day of the AC. There were A LOT of ppl man... cos not only our church with AC, we also have another church next to us who is also a mega church, plus there were couple of exhibitions and the Expo food fair too! SO, can you imagine ?!

The night finale session was 530pm and we started to Q at 230pm in Hall 7 and already, 3/4 of the hall was filled at 230pm! WAH...

Us in Hall 7, Q-ing... very bored acty.... haha..

So, finally at 520pm, we managed to get into the main Hall. By that time, the hall was 95% fulled. MK and my heart just sank... Still, we walk rounds and rounds to LOOK for seats.

Finally, after near 10mins of walking rounds, i just approached an usher and said i need 2 seats. Lo & behold, she acty said "This way pls.."

!!

We followed her all the way up to the terrace area and REALLY, there were some seats!!! PTL!! Though it was under the aircon, but we were contend to be able to have decent seats in HALL 8!

The last night was phenomenal! Dr AR Bernard preached abt Self Concept and self esteem and how these tie in with the Cultural Mandate that we have always been talking abt.

And so, AC 2010 ended with a big bang... good lightings, great sound, good visual effects, tangible presence of God & great word definitely!.... But i wonder how many of us will carry these Word and have a breakthru in our respective life...

Afterall, its no use to only go thru that hype for its only a one-time event, but whats for life is that encounter with Abba Father. :)

Us with our teary eyes, taking a picture after the whole AC ended... We were both impacted and very touched by God... *Grateful*...

After AC ended, we went to Bukit Timah to have dinner, oh or maybe its supper! And what else? Chicken rice lor... sooo unhealthy, but i like! hahaha!

So for now, i say BYE AC 2010 and See you soon in AC 2012!

Couldn't believe it!

After almost 5 months from delivery til now, i couldnt believe that i could fit just nice into this dress!

Was window shopping one of the Tuesdays and saw this dress that i like. The first thing that came to my mind after i took it out from the rack was "Wah, only 1 size, i confirm cant fit in one lah". But nonetheless, i still give it a try. In the end, i could fit in wor! Really cant believe it!

Ppl ask me what did i do to slim down. Actually, nothing much, other than cutting down carbo significantly during my confinement period as well as the month after that. I did walk 20 storeys of stairs for a start shortly after i resume work, but slowly died down as I was OT-ing most of the days...

Really thank God that i am now even lighter than my pre-pregnancy wgt! (err, acty i put on quite a lot just before pregnancy la.. )

I arent any model so its definitely not as nice as how these 2 pic look, but i am happy that i look presentable. Thank God, really!

Almost 1 month!

Gosh, its almost a mth since my last entry here.

Have been really busy at work recently. Unhappy, stressed, anxious, tired, etc.

Not trying to be negative, esp that i have God, but these, unfortunately, are my exact feelings for the past 1 mth. Going into office feeling so stressed, and easily anxious abt work. Even during my Bintan trip and normal weekends, i keep thinking abt work and how never-ending they are.

In the end, i decided to resign. Handed THE letter to my manager on Wednesday. He kinda expected it. Well, afterall i broke down a number of times in my cubicle as well as once in front of him. :I He defended a little and explained that he really did tried his best to bring in the additional headcount, but its beyond his control. After hearing that, i know in my heart that there is nothing more he can do. This position will continue to be THIS heavy.

Just watched Iron Man 2 on thursday and what Virginia Pebble said right after Tony saved her is exactly what I have been feeling all these while, "My body literally cannot take the stress anymore, I quit, I resign!"

My hair was dropping more than usual, having gastric attacks due to stress (i guess) during office hours are not uncommon. Working for more than 10hours with only less than 20mins of lunch was also nothing new in this dept.

Yup...

But, i dont want such lifestyle. I want a work life balance lifestyle. Afterall balance is the key to LIFE.

Hopefully after this, i will be able to find a new job that has work life balance. Not only pays well, but bring satisfaction.

So, my next post......?

Soon! :)

First Love (to God)

My Highest Call, My greatest cause
Is loving You
Your perfect love, has won my heart
Now I am Yours.

Your sacrifice, demands my life
And I will live to honor
Your holy name, the price You paid

So I sing

You're my first love, You're my true love
You're my reason, You are why I breathe
I will give You my devotion
All of me, all of me

You chose the cross, You chose me
Surrender Your life, You chose me
Though I did not deserve, You chose me

So I choose to love, just as You chose me
I put you first, as You first loved me
Ill treasure Your grace as you died for me



Thank You Jesus, for choosing the cross, now its our turn.

Our 1095 days...

My last post was a pretty negative one...enuff of such atmosphere for it can be contagious! haha..
Well, hubby and i celebrated our 1095th day together as hubby & wifey 2 days ago...

Went to a Seafood Restaurant at EC for THE occasion. They have lunch buffet everyday. Mon - Fri is less then 30bucks per person. Think its EX?? Lemme tell you what they have.

Sharks Fins (there is real and quite a size fins inside this bowl below wor..) - limited to 1 serving per person.




Next up, we have abalone (1 small one for each person, also limited to 1 serving per person.)



And of cos not forgetting cray fish, many kinds of fish (oh, their fish is 1 WHOLE fish, even tho its for only 2 pax!), scallops, soft shells, mussels, prawns & many more! i think pretty 'hua-suan' la. :)

Anw, that was on the actual day... it was good, but what really touched me was the 1094th day.

I was working (as usual) and some of you know that i just got transferred to a new dept so there are loads of work to do... As i was feeling a little stress up, he pin me and ask if i would like to have sth to brighten up my day... Of cos i said yes...

He replied, telling me to go to my hp, under video section and play a video with the num "1234" behind the file. I thought he had secretly recorded my sleeping pose or even my snoring sound! But when i open up the file and pressed played..................................................(you can see the video clip at the end of this post. :) )

As i watched the video in my workstation, i just teared and teared and teared... he got me this time round... he did a video of the both of us together since courting days! Apparently, he waited until i slept, before he started to make this video clip... he did it until 2 am... i was SO touched!

Just when i thought thats all, within 2hrs, another surprise came!

I received a call from my receptionist to go down becos there was a bouquet of flowers for me..

I went down and the delivery uncle was there with this bouquet of flowers, wrapped in purplish-pink wrapper!

I was soooooo in shock!

My flowers... i soooooo love it! :)

On our first yr of marriage, he accidentally 'threw away' his wedding band, and for almost 3 yrs, we didnt wear any... so this yr, i decided to get a pair of wedding bands for ourselves again. (he better not lose it again!) :)

To dear : I just want to say that you have earned yourself so much thruout our 7 yrs of journey together. You have earned my respect, my admiration, my love. From only 30 marks, to 70 and now, 80 marks.. Even as we crossed our 3rd yr as hubby & wifey, there will definitely be soooo much more for both of us to learned and explore abt each other, and i am ready for that! Thank you so much for making the effort and i am really VERY VERY touched! Many more yrs ahead!

It is "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times or bad times..."

This, it will always be.

I LOVE YOU.....


The video he did for me... :)

What's happening?!

Feel emotionally draining and tired recently. And the last time i felt this way was more than 10 yrs ago, when he decides to leave me and i was almost left with nothing. Never did i expect that the person who left me drained emotionally isnt someone that is close to me. Even if i hold her close to my heart, she will not appreciate it bah.

One moment chatting away on msn, the other moment ignoring me and giving me black face. Always thought that we are in the same 'league', but now seems i am out of it... Even until now, i have absolutely NO idea why she is angry / unhappy. No idea. I just dunno why... i dunno what is happening?!

The end result of whats happening isnt what she want, NEITHER do i. She seems to be the 'victim', so am i.

Do i look like i am very easily bullied? So much so that anyone can just be angry with me?? _ _ _ _ _ _'s case was just over, and not even one week, _ _ _ _ _ _ is upset with me.... Stimes i do think that if i were to go, it will be better!

She doesnt tell me why she is angry or unhappy.... was it for THAT reason, thats why you were not happy?? If so, lets discuss! If you dont talk, hw would ppl know?? You dont wanna talk abt it? Then its VERY unfair to me! We are all victims of such circumstances and NOBODY wants it this way.... Listen, ME TOO! I nvr wanted it to be this way dear...never...

If you block me frm FB wall, thn might as well block me totally. Since the hurt is alrdy there, even if more is added, it dont make any difference.

True, like what we both agreed, its just a _ _ _ and why let _ _ _ _ win? its NOT worth it at all gal... and to think that i even cried for you...

Forget it. Anw, i am 'leaving' and you wont see me that often, maybe this 'ending' is what you want.

I always thought we were the closest, but since you dont trust me, since you dont appreciate me as a fren, then just forget it.

Well, its just a _ _ _ anyway.

现在我很幸褔

For YOU....
Abt him....

他的手掌有种粗糙的体贴
他在我需要时候出现身边
被你伤的那些 崩溃眼泪
多亏他无私的奉陪

哪天要是和你真的再见面
谁都不要再提醒那一段从前
有些事不面对 反而安心安全
你无权再动摇我的世界

现在我有了幸福 有人照顾 应该知足
你不像他 从不让我哭
可是我越想投入 越是生疏 抱的再紧
依旧止不住那流失的温度

现在我不停忙碌 不断让步 想看清楚
你不像他 把我当成全部
可是爱有时善良 有时残酷 我要如何
爱他像爱你那样义无反顾

To lead our own lives....

Randoms again....

Sometimes, i struggle to be kind to people, esp those that arent easily loved by others.
Sometimes, i struggle with the thought of 好心没好报.
Many times, when we are good and kind to people, they dont appreciate... its an unreciprocated kindess.
But if you have the love of Jesus, even if the world crucify Him, He still love them. I want to have this kind of love. BIG love.
So, i decided to be good to people, even if its not recognised, even if its unreciprocated (again).

Realised that i have aged.
Recently someone said this to me "You dont even look like 30 lor."
Well, i dont refer to physical, i mean in terms of character and thinking. Maturity doesnt come with age, but with the ability to hold responsibility.
I want to be such person.
Irresponsibility = Immature being.

Many times, it should be personal choice (decision) over time, but we like to choose time over choice.
I choose to be with a friend when he/she needs a friend.
I choose to see to Michela's need almost immediate (if possible) whenever she has a need.
I choose to stay with MK in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer....
Very often, we can make time, but we choose not to, so the reason we give "Sorry, no time."
If you are desperate, even a minute is precious!

Our leaders, our mentors..
None of us is perfect. When our leaders done sth wrong, we dont correct them, we dont shame them, but pray for them...
Honouring our leaders... always making sure that they look good, always say good things abt them... spend time with them, bless them for they have put in so much time and energy to serve God and for us.
Love them and be loyal to them.
Oh, and listen to their advice for they have walked THAT road before.

So, i 'random' again...
......................................................................................................

Anw, i am just gonna give more to God this yr. Not just saying "i wanna give more", but literally giving MORE.

Tithes open gate of heaven, but offering determines the quality of your blessing.
"Unqual amt, equal sacrifice." I am sooooo gonna give to Him more this yr.
Last A & B i sowed $_____, God gave me a baby,
This coming A & B, I'm gonna sow $_____, (God, pls complete the remaining.)

"Pst Kong, wherever the piece of land is gonna be, we are just gonna follow you all the way."
I believe this place is from God.

Tiger Tiger Year.......Wuahaa!! :)

CNY Day 1 - Grey/Pink theme

MK's buddies and partners @ home - CNY Day 2

Very delicious Peng Cai... MIL made this... Yummy! 4 days b4 CNY - Early reunion dinner

Yummy!!

CNY eve - reunion dinner with my family. Realised my dad is skinnier than before... see alrdy, heart pain wor.

CNY eve - Sheryl, Huifang & Beng...

CNY Day 1 - @ parents in law's place...

Yu Shang - Sth that i dont really like... not excited abt it. :I

Lo Hei ah!

CNY Day 2 - Blue/Grey theme

Brother with Michela.. Michela smiled! :)

Does anyone READ your blog?

If you have a blog, ask yourself this "Does anyone read my blog?"

A friend told me before that blogs were originally created so that we can write what we like, what we want, in fact, anything we like there. But it has since become sth that doesnt ONLY belong to the owner... It is sth that is OPEN for everyone and anyone to read. True that you can set your blog to private settings where only your frens have the password to read them, still there are many who dont care a bit and 'allow' any dog and cat to read & comment. :)

Now, blogs have become a channel in which ppl not only 'let off steam', but express their every emotion, feeling and thinking. In a way its good, becos in the society that we are living in, we just cant 'lock' everything up and not let them out...i always believe in open communication.

Who knows, with the very advanced technology, we might have some kind of system or software to communicate in future!

When 30 is only just the beginning.....

Most ladies would 'mute' their age after they hit 30, except me. 30, 30 lor. :)

I finally attended church after a long 1-mth break last Sunday which also was my birthday! What a nice 30th bday pressie for me. :) Many came up to wish me Happy Birthday and out of which, some came as a surprise for me becos i didnt think that they will remember and they did! Some gave hugs too. Thanks guys... Love ya!

I thnk 30 is just the beginning for me, really.

Becos i am 30, i decide to face my imperfection. For those of you that alrdy knew abt it, you will be seeing me wear dresses more often. Will be wearing shorts soon too... all these without leggings! :)

Becos i am 30, i had wanted to get myself a tattoo. Wanted a dove to remind myself that HS is always guiding me and also that i need to be like a dove, having meekness in my life. BUT, in the end, i chicken out the moment i heard the 'zzzzzz' sound outisde the shop! Quite sad, cos i really tot abt it for very very long before i decide to do it. And i took a long time to have the courage to even walk to the shop wor... then in the end, i still chicken out. sighz... but well, at least i tried. :)

Becos i am 30, i want to aim to be a better wife, a better mother, a better, daughter (in-law), a better employee, a better cg leader, a better friend, a better child to God................ a better person.

Becos i am 30, and being in r/s with Him for almost 15 yrs, not only draw me closer with Him, but more in love with Abba Father. Not taking Him for granted definitely, but loving and worshipping Him the way He wants me to. Pleasing Him, not man. God i love You....

So, 30 is just the beginning... many more things to learn, many more rms for improvements and change. many more.... just many more.

Btw, some pics to show for my bday celeb this yr...

My pressies, which are almost all vouchers! Shopping! Weee!

Our gang... love ' em!

Thanks to YP, HF, Mingli, JR, JK, Cheryl, Sheryl, XH, Jeanie, MX, MS, Jianting, some of the N119-ers (this gp surrpised me the most! I didnt thnk they will remember, but they did! Thanks!!) and my beloved W232s (muacks!!!).......

Becos of you guys, I had a Happy Birthday!

On Friday, Mk took me for bday dinner at TGIF @ Heeren. Nice place and service also quite good wor... The staffs and mgr came a few times to ask if the food and everything was fine... not bad.. :)

Part of the deco...

MK & his spareribs. ops...

Me & my chicky & hei bee... hahah.

Aftr dinner, we got one of the staffs there to help us take a pic, so he took the camera and said, "OK, 1, 2, 3 and say Friday!"... So i went 'Friday.'..... Felt so SILLY that i am the only one saying... Thank God its Friday! :P

Thanks Dear for making the effort, taking the time and sparing that energy to not only dine with me at TGIF, but offered to go shopping with me too! I know you were SUPER tired that day but yet you spared that little energy left to shop with me... I love ya!!! Muacks!!

Should I or should I not?

I dont want to know how much it cost...
I dont want to know if the end result will be gd...
I only want to know if the pain is BEARABLE...

Randoms...

Something random, nothing serious...

1) Where you put your energy on, is what is impt to you.

2) I really do not like to hear the word "No", but guess i gotta learn to accept that sometimes 'No' is better than 'Yes'.

3) Different period, different friends.

4) Friendships are form not just becos of common interest or topic, but it is also effort and time put in to maintain that friendship.

5) Sincerity can easily be felt.

6) Quite often, i am being misunderstood. Pls do not assume that i am like THIS. For all you know, i might be like THAT.

7) No God, no purpose of living. I cant live without God.

8) Sometimes, you love someone so much that no matter how bad that person is, you still love him/her for who they are. God's unconditional love.

9) Really, we often think that the grass is always greener on the other side. Learn to count your blessings.

10) After that show, i learnt one thing : Be brave and face your imperfection(s).

11) After a while, you realised that you are not one of that priorities.

12) Very often, there are more to what we see or think we know. Do not assume.

13) Ask yourself : What is my value in the eyes of my family, friends, colleagues, school mates, etc.

14) Have you been a blessing to someone today?

15) What are you living on this earth for?

16) Do not take the people around you for granted.

A Gift for Hubby!

Dear Lao Gong,

Presenting to you your 2009 Xmas pressie, 2010 Vday pressie & 2010 Wedding Anniversary pressie.............

Our precious.... Baby Michela... :)

Hope you like it! :P

My Maternity Photoshoot

Taken in Oct 09...
Done by my cell member : Andrian V. Pranata ( http://www.ianphotoblog.com/ )

Thanks Bro... good job! :)